It all depends upon your parenting beliefs.
I'm the parent, you're the kid. You obey me. That's the authoritarian roar of a Tiger Mom.
You're really sad about your bad grade. I'll get your teacher to change it. That's the friendly hovering helicopter dad doing a child's business.
Should you be a boss or friend to your child? I hear this baffling question from every parent I've counseled and it can only be answered by you- not by an expert. If you haven't made up your mind, here are three widely accepted child development clues to consider.
1. Self-control leads to outside appropriate behavior and self-discipline. Putting off play time for homework or your child doing something your way without arguing requires a lot of self-control. It takes boss type training - controlling and supervising a child's behavior. This is the part of parenting that requires your child to obey "because I said so," without questions or negotiations. Helicopter parents often avoid control because it makes their child upset. After all, shouldn't we avoid making our children upset? Good point, but being upset is unavoidable when learning self-control.
2. Closeness to parents leads to inside self-assurance and good relationships skills. Spending weekly one-on-one time together and encouraging expression of differences as well as personal feelings is the friendship side of parenting. The result: "being comfortable in my own skin" and empathy skills. Boss oriented parents bristle at this friendship business, "Parenting and friendship don't mix. If you're a friend you can't say no."
3. Friendly boss parenting leads to inside and outside healthy development of your child - it takes at least eighteen years. Adults like a friendly boss, you know the type that lowers the hammer when performance isn't up to par but also is understanding and empowering when problems pop up - makes you want to do a good job. Children like this type of parenting. Down deep inside they are relieved when bad behavior is stopped and being understood develops their individuality. Here's the problem: it's really hard to get the mix between being a boss and a friend just right, but with practice you can do it. Here's a practice guideline to consider. Focus on both the inside and outside parts of your child as much as possible: be understanding of a child's inside feelings and set firm consistent limits when outside behavior needs correcting.
Take home lesson: Consider being a friendly boss parent: be both understanding and set firm limits.
Gary M Unruh MSW LCSW has counseled more than 2500 children and their families for over forty years. Read about his breakthrough parenting approach, Unleashing Parental Love. in his award winning 2010 book, Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Respectful and Self-Confident Kids. Visit his website for more information: http://unleashingparentallove.com/
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