Empowering Youth: Do You Owe Your Child an Apology?

Everything your child does IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

TRUE, you could have done some things differently. TRUE, you could have done some things better. But it is possible, believe it or not, for GOOD PARENTS to raise children who make BAD CHOICES.

There comes a point in your child's life when they must take responsibility for what they do.

It's always easier to blame others for our misgivings but how does that help the blamer grow? You're right, it really doesn't!

So not only do you need to teach your child to think things through, make good decisions and solve problems wisely, YOU also need to stop playing rescue ranger! If you run to break your child's fall and fix your child's problems, YOU are actually planting and fertilizing a BLAMER!

It is very difficult to watch your child make mistakes that you have the knowledge or ability to prevent, but every time you aren't there in time to prevent a problem, your child will blame you and learn nothing at all.

Teach them, lead by example, and then GET OUT OF LIFE'S WAY. You need to be available when they want to talk things through but don't make decisions for them! If it's not a matter of life and death, your child WILL be okay.

Yes, you are going to make mistakes too.

When kids are young and they do something inappropriate like steal another child's truck or hit their cousin or talk back to their teacher, parents can often be heard saying "You owe John an apology, young man. Now go over there and say you're sorry"

Well, kids certainly need to learn how to humble themselves and apologize when they are wrong. Right?

So why is it so hard for you to apologize to your kids? Surely you are not always right and you can't possibly be perfect, so what seems to be the problem? You must LIVE what you want your children to be. How will they learn to apologize if you never do? How can they recover from mistakes if they don't have an example to follow?

And one of the things kids often say is that parents don't listen and parents always have to be right. The results of that posture are children who don't listen, don't talk and often times, won't care. That is certainly not what you want but that is what you may very well get.

1. How do you feel when your significant other won't apologize to YOU when they are wrong?

2. How does it feel when your boss doesn't listen to you?

3. How does it feel, even now, when your parents always have to be right? (you know, when they are telling you how to raise your kids)

Well guess what, Kids Are People Too!

And now I would like to invite you to claim your FREE Instant Access to a 10-day e-course entitled "Ten Actions YOU MUST Take For Your Child To Succeed" when you visit http://empoweringyouthforsuccess.com/

You'll also receive free VIP seating at our cutting edge monthly teleseminar.

From Linette Daniels- "The Youth Success Doctor"


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Childhood Trauma Can Alter Reactivity to Real or Perceived Threat

The developing brain organizes itself in reaction to experience and stimulation that the child is encountering. Regardless of the genetic makeup, the simple process of interacting with the environment is strengthening reactions to repeated environmental stimuli. If the stimuli are of a consistent nurturing pattern of relatively positive interactions the neurodevelopment unfolds differently than if the interactions are neglectful or negative in nature. This process of sensory stimulated neurodevelopment begins prior to birth and continues as each child's biological reaction strengthens synaptic connections depending on the circumstance.

Research has shown that interpersonal interactions are of primary importance as a source of sensory experience. Since children do not have the cognitive awareness to discriminate or discern quality of interactions they are left with biologically dependent conditioning that is structured around the totality of the individual sensory experience. This can be shown easily in two clinical examples: First, was a young family with their first child, both parents were from families that had been horribly abusive and they wanted to ensure that they were not going about the business of delivering a legacy to their little child. As they focused on providing a warm and positive environment that was relatively predictable and more consistent than not, they felt not only increasingly connected to their child but admitted that their own marital relationship had improved. Several years after completing treatment I ran into them at a department store. They had three more children and were proud of how well their children were doing in school, then they made an interesting observation; "... out of our seven siblings we are the only ones that have stayed married, have a happy family, and whose children are seeming to do well and school, aren't in trouble all the time, or on medication..." They continued to unfold the story of how their family was so different and that they believed it was because they had been intentional about creating a positive environment for their children. The Second example was less successful, the parents were both angry and chaotic, high levels of reactive emotion that would be triggered by their children's normal childhood behaviors with extreme volatile emotional, verbal and occasionally physical reactions. The father was arrested for spanking his one year old boy, because the child would not stop crying, the child was hospitalized for observation because of the bruising, he had apparently struck the child upwards of thirty times.

If one takes the above clinical examples and thinks of them as environments rather than getting distracted by the behavior of parents, what differences in neurodevelopment could be expected by the repetitive stimuli of each environment. Obviously problems arise in people's lives and in the lives of families, however perfection isn't the goal environmentally, having a good-enough environments to give all children the best possible neurodevelopmental advantage or potential is a better target for families.

A number of studies posit that environmental interaction impacts neurohormone activity. The negative impact seems to be related to over-development or heightened reactivity in the hypothalmus-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) system which is linked directly to the stress regulatory systems of all human beings. While many of the immediate sighs of this system being over-active are not revealed, studies now are relating early childhood environmental stressors to higher rates of depression, anxiety disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, heart disease, gastrointestinal problems and recurrent migraine headaches. Hyperarousal also plays a central role in developing and maintaining sleep disturbances that can be manifested as chronic insomnia.

Perhaps the most unfortunate aspect of a negative environment that is consistently not meeting the socio-emotional needs of the family members can be found in the development of neuro-synaptic patterns that effect one's perception of the world. The negative family atmosphere is sometimes referred to as being a Traumagenic Environment. This does not assume that parents are intentionally acting in ways that are hurtful to the development of their children, but could be defined as any repetitive action that interferes or interrupts normal social, emotional, physical, psychological or spiritual development. A Traumagenic upbringing can change one's perception and creates heightened threat assessment in the environment. This includes not just how perceptions are formed, but the conclusions, judgments and understanding of intention made about people. It doesn't really matter if the perception is accurate or not, if it is truly reality, people react to their perceptions and it seems real to them.

When perceptions are transformed through the twin activity of neuropathway construction and reactivity to repeated stressors then the child must create perceptions that help them develop survival strategies. For many people they find themselves guided by their child perceptions and adaption/survival strategies regardless of the intervening years. Obviously, a person perception can be a very subjective process that can be impacted by a number of variables. Factors that can influence the impressions you form of other people include the characteristics of the person you are observing, the context of the situation and your own personal characteristics, and your neuro-developmental history.

Perhaps a clinical example will help illustrate this point more effectively. After being adopted two years before one young ten year old was brought in for treatment for anger and behaviors that were repeatedly getting him into trouble. He was in an adoptive home that seemed very kind and supportive, and would particularly struggle when physical affection was being displayed. This was very frustrating to the adoptive parents and the new siblings. An example was a warm pat on the shoulder that might have been seen as an affectionate encourager this little man reacted to as if he was being attacked. His entire system would be fired up, his breathing would become rapid and his face would turn red, followed by name calling and sometimes physical attacks. The problem was an over-reaction to a perceived threat. No real threat existed, and that was the frustrating foundation of the parent concerns.

The perceptions of this child were unique and formed because of his history, and even though the environment had changed and the atmosphere of the current home had no resemblance to the home he had lived in until his parent died of a drug overdose when he was seven. Those early perceptual patterns of what was seen as dangerous or threatening was fully developed and functioning strongly.

The main purpose for bringing this to attention is to encourage people to be more aware of the environments they are creating and to organize their home lives and interactions with children to increase adaptive possibilities and more realistic perceptions of the world. In the long run there are few things that would create a fundamental shift in society that would be more beneficial than designing home life to meet the socio-emotional needs of all members in a consistent and intentional manner.

Brought to you by Robert Rhoton at Psychological Health and Wellness: Visit our website at: http://aztraumatherapy.com/

Psychological Health and Wellness is a trauma therapy treatment center located in Mesa, AZ. Our therapists specialize in the treatment of trauma abuse, the pain of anxiety and depression, the effects of trauma in people's lives as well as relationship conflicts.

Everyone can be free of the emotional pain, worry and the fear that interrupts our lives. The goal of our trauma counselors is to help you find and use the avenues that work best for you to be free from suffering.

If you are afflicted by the symptoms of trauma we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression and trauma. We are located in Mesa, AZ.


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