How Strong Parent-Child Bond Prevents Child Physical Abuse

The bond between parent and child is one of the strongest and most rewarding that human beings build. The unwritten code underpinning this relationship is that parents cater to their children's needs when they are young and vulnerable while children reciprocate this gesture when their parents are old and frail with considerably reduced capacity to care for themselves. Establishing this bond with your child is both an enlightened self-interest as well as a wise investment because if your child turns out well, your future is well insured.

As a private medical practitioner, I see this play out in real life. There are a few instances when parents cared for their children while they were growing up only for these children to abandon them in their old age. This is the exception rather than the rule. I had an 85 year old Nigerian woman who needed a hernia surgery and the son who had a good job in the oil industry asked me to get the best hands to treat his mother at any cost. He was scheduled to travel to the United States for a business purpose but on getting to the airport he was so emotionally attached to the mother that he cancelled the trip. The surgery was successful. Later in a chat with the patient to know why his son dotes over him, she said, "when my son gained admission to the University, I sold my only property to fund his education since his father was deceased and no help was forthcoming". On the other hand, I have seen elderly patients who hoped their children will come to their aide while they are sick or pay their bills and these patients suffered bitter disappointment. It is either they did not make sufficient input in to the lives of their children or they did and the children just did not turnout well. I talk to parents often that children and computers have one thing in common; what you put in is what you get out.

Parent child relationship starts with good antenatal care for the pregnant mother. Antenatal care aims at preventing deformities in the new born child. At birth, allowing the father into the labor room strengthens the bond between husband and wife on the one hand and parents and child on the other hand. A father who witnesses firsthand the travails of his wife in labor goes away with an indelible impression of the true value of his child.

Spending time with the newborn, changing nappies, breast feeding, singing lullabies to the child are all exercises that build strong bond between parent and child. Watching your child achieve development milestones such as when the child can sit, crawl, stand, walk and utter babbles are all things that bond the child to the parents.

When both parents give care to the baby, it enables them identify any special needs and characteristics of the baby that require care and very early in life, they accept the child and these challenges with equanimity. Parents who spend time with their baby grow to love their child and see their role majorly as protective instead of inflicting harm on the baby.

Parents who have strong willed children and who noticed it early in life, develop ways of making the child do their bidding without resorting to maltreating the child. Providing for your child makes him or her of great value to you and helps in strengthening the parent child bond and this serves as a deterrent to child physical abuse. The child has become a treasured investment worth protecting.

Communicating with your child positively as he/she grows up strengthens parent-child bond and enables differences to be settled through dialogue without resort to maltreatment. Children raised with positive affirmation are confident, eager to learn and generally act to please their parents.

Dr Francis Edo Olotu is the Medical Director of Christ Hospital, Ondo. He is also a family counselor who regularly counsels married persons and administers pre-marriage counseling to couples about to marry in his home church of St John Bosco Catholic Church Ondo. He is a frequently featured speaker in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal. He is married to Catherine and their marriage is blessed with four children in the age bracket of twelve to twenty two. Dr Olotu is the author of the following books: The Amazing Power in Fatherhood; Releasing the Power in Fatherhood as well as Your Guide to Cancer Prevention.

View the original article here

Words Matter: What You Say Impacts How Your Child Feels

Quick, describe your child in three words. Is she quiet, timid and slow? Or is she meticulous, patient and gentle? Is he noisy, clumsy and bad-tempered? Or is he friendly, energetic and passionate?

Words are the medium through which we convey our thoughts. The words we use have great impact on the listener. We should think carefully before we speak. Words can have a positive or a negative effect on those hearing them. Compare "You are always so clumsy" with "You are very energetic". Which sentence do you think will make you feel good?

As a parent, it is even more important to think before we speak to our children. When talking to your child, it is very important to choose words that uplift the spirit rather than dampen the spirit. The words we hear can influence the way we feel about ourselves. Uplifting words have the power to raise your child's self-esteem.

Imagine your daughter is learning fractions and she says to you, "I can't understand this, it's too hard. I always get it wrong." You reply, "You're always so impatient. It takes time to learn something new." Or maybe you say, "I know you have a quick mind. If you think about it a bit more, I'm sure you will soon understand it." Which statement do you think will encourage your daughter to try harder?

Or if your son helps you in the kitchen and he drops the carton of milk. What will you say to him: "You're so careless, why can't you do anything right?" or "Use the towel to mop up the milk. You are usually so careful, what happened today?" Which way will make your son feel good about himself? Which way will turn him off from helping ever again?

Now that you are aware of the power of words, think carefully before you speak. We all like to hear things that make us feel good about ourselves. For children, it is even more important because the words they hear daily are the words that shape their perception of who they are. If you were encouraged and made to feel capable while you were young, you would likely grow up to be an optimistic and happy person.

On the other hand if, as a child, you feel bad about yourself, it is very hard to change that feeling when you grow up. You might feel unworthy though you achieve great things. However, it is never too late to change the way you feel about yourself. Say something positive to yourself every day, and see how much better you feel. Say something positive every day to those you love and see how much better they feel.

Words have great impact on the listener; change your words, change how you feel. Don't you agree?

Raising kids is the most important job in the world. All caring adults, not just parents and teachers, should help raise the kids in our community. Children learn to be patient or impatient, caring or indifferent, helpful or heartless from the adults around them. Esther Chum shares her tips on how we can all help the children, in her blog Kids n School Study Guide.

View the original article here

What's the Best Way to Train Up a Child - Be a Boss or a Friend?

It all depends upon your parenting beliefs.

I'm the parent, you're the kid. You obey me. That's the authoritarian roar of a Tiger Mom.

You're really sad about your bad grade. I'll get your teacher to change it. That's the friendly hovering helicopter dad doing a child's business.

Should you be a boss or friend to your child? I hear this baffling question from every parent I've counseled and it can only be answered by you- not by an expert. If you haven't made up your mind, here are three widely accepted child development clues to consider.

1. Self-control leads to outside appropriate behavior and self-discipline. Putting off play time for homework or your child doing something your way without arguing requires a lot of self-control. It takes boss type training - controlling and supervising a child's behavior. This is the part of parenting that requires your child to obey "because I said so," without questions or negotiations. Helicopter parents often avoid control because it makes their child upset. After all, shouldn't we avoid making our children upset? Good point, but being upset is unavoidable when learning self-control.

2. Closeness to parents leads to inside self-assurance and good relationships skills. Spending weekly one-on-one time together and encouraging expression of differences as well as personal feelings is the friendship side of parenting. The result: "being comfortable in my own skin" and empathy skills. Boss oriented parents bristle at this friendship business, "Parenting and friendship don't mix. If you're a friend you can't say no."

3. Friendly boss parenting leads to inside and outside healthy development of your child - it takes at least eighteen years. Adults like a friendly boss, you know the type that lowers the hammer when performance isn't up to par but also is understanding and empowering when problems pop up - makes you want to do a good job. Children like this type of parenting. Down deep inside they are relieved when bad behavior is stopped and being understood develops their individuality. Here's the problem: it's really hard to get the mix between being a boss and a friend just right, but with practice you can do it. Here's a practice guideline to consider. Focus on both the inside and outside parts of your child as much as possible: be understanding of a child's inside feelings and set firm consistent limits when outside behavior needs correcting.

Take home lesson: Consider being a friendly boss parent: be both understanding and set firm limits.

Gary M Unruh MSW LCSW has counseled more than 2500 children and their families for over forty years. Read about his breakthrough parenting approach, Unleashing Parental Love. in his award winning 2010 book, Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Respectful and Self-Confident Kids. Visit his website for more information: http://unleashingparentallove.com/

View the original article here

Safe Toys: Where Are They?

I was shaken up by a news alert in my morning email: Mattel facing major recall of toys containing lead paint...paint was delivered to their factory by a trusted supplier...final production lot was shipped without testing. How could this happen to the largest, best organized toy company? As Sr. VP of Goldberger Doll Co., I ordered the immediate and ongoing testing of all paints in use at our China factories.

Don't Trust - Check

The point that every manufacturer knows is that things happen in production which cause variations from product to product. The more labor intensive a product, the more potential there is for variation. To stem the flow of poor quality arms and materials reaching our soldiers in World War II, Inspection Sampling was created and is still in use today. By checking a small number of pieces from a large production run, you can determine if it meets your desired quality.

The same applies to Toy Safety, but the cost and time to check every run would make toys incredibly expensive and cause extensive delays in shipments. Many factories that faced new demands from customers took matters in house and started testing for heavy metals (like lead) every day. It was obvious that now the raw material supply (paints, plastics, metals etc.) could be tainted and ruin large manufacturing runs.

Watch For Unsafe Toys

I would advise that you avoid buying "cheap" toys at independent dollar or thrift stores, for ages UNDER 3. It still amazes me how these toys get through our safety net. Small factories and especially factories that sell low-cost toys, usually have poor quality control. These low-priced suppliers also are prone to shoddy workmanship and/or material substitutions. Either could easily cause an unsafe toy for children under 3, primarily from small parts.

As an example, leaving a small opening in a sewn seam, could allow polyester to come out. Polyester is considered a small part choking hazard. Using a lower grade plastic for an injection molded toy can save a lot, but also be vulnerable to breakage. Even an inspector could not tell that the factory changed plastics.

The Safest Toy Retailers

Major retailers, whose livelihood depends on toy sales, did not wait for Government to revise and re-regulate the system. They took action and as a result have the safest supply of toys you can find. Both Wal-Mart and Toys R Us have programs in place which call for more continuous testing of manufactured toys. This replaced a system in which suppliers would select and send samples to a test lab once or twice a year.

These measures dramatically increase the chances of finding unsafe toys, before they ever leave the factory. So if you are looking for the potentially safest toys, made by any company, shop Wal-Mart or Toys R Us.

Other retailers have polished their toy safety control systems, and now make sure that they have current safety test reports for all items they buy. Some have tightened up on the expiration of valid reports to less than one per year. In general, buying major brands is better than off-brands especially if you are shopping in a small, independently owned, store.

Michael Pietrafesa is an expert in toy manufacturing, product development and safety. Please visit Made Safe Toys, the Ultimate Parent Help Center at http://madesafetoys.org/ for tons of information on keeping your child safe from toys. The latest Consumer Information on Baby and Toddler products is available at http://babyandtoddlertoo.com/ to help parents decide what to buy.

View the original article here