Advice for Moms - How to Deal With Your Teenage Daughter

I left work early yesterday to go see the child psychologist by myself. The therapist agreed that there was no need to bring my daughter but rather she and I could work on various strategies for situations where I feel out of control with her. I left her office feeling like I have yet another person on my side. My family has always gotten on me because I don't punish my kids.

The therapist and I discussed the meaning of disciplining. She said it is to teach. So with that in mind and since I am mainly having problems with my teenage daughter, I discuss what my daughter has done that needs disciplining. We talked about my daughters lying and determined that she lies for status placement. It is very common in teenage girls especially ones from a divorce. They are trying to find out where they fit. She went on to further point out that since her dad is out on disability and I work full-time, she is different from her friends, whose dads all work. The therapist feels that having a discussion with my daughter about this rather than sending her to her room would probably get better results. She asked what else my daughter was doing and I told her I felt she disrespects me in front of her peers but when we are alone my daughter always explains she doesn't want her friends to know she likes me or thinks I dress nice or look pretty. The therapist said then you need to teach her to be sullen. This will be something I must reinforce if she has nothing nice to say, say nothing.

Lastly we discussed control. I explained that I have cried a lot over the past few years and felt overwhelmed and haven't made the best decisions in certain situations. The therapist said that my daughter is reacting to me. If I don't have control, she will take it whether or not she really wants it. The therapist told me it is very important that I maintain control in all situations that the kids see me in. The worst thing I can do is cry over spilled milk so to speak. Obviously if there is a death in the family or a major crisis crying is acceptable but other than that I need to stay calm and in control. I told the therapist I have been going to Co-Dependency meetings and I am learning that it is so important not to let other people's behavior affect me. This should help me maintain control. I told her I feel I will learn a lot from reading the book and applying the techniques to my everyday life.

I have noticed the happier I am the happier the my daughter is. The less I complain about mundane things the less stressed my daughter is. I have to keep in mind it is never too late, my daughter is still young enough to be ok from my divorce. If they can see how happy I am they will know that I needed to leave their dad on that reason alone. He is an Archie Bunker type guy and I know inside me is a playful woman who is screaming to get out. So I am letting her come out slowly as to not freak myself out too much. I hope as I let myself become more comfortable being relaxed and not so uptight I will be more fun to be around.

The therapist and I agreed to meet in 6 weeks for a follow-up. I hope to report that my relationship with my daughter has gotten much better.

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How Does Media Affect Teens?

It's no longer necessary to ask IF media affects teens. The question to ask now is 'HOW does it affect them?'

Of course many experts have refuted the idea that media has an effect on teens saying the studies are correlational in nature thus making it difficult to know if kids with a predisposition to violence are more likely to watch violent shows or if watching violence leads them to become more violent.

While the experts are busy debating it is up to you as a parent who spends every day with your child to notice how his behavioural and attitude patterns change as a result of watching particular content. Mimicking is a good clue.

A survey revealed that 75% of adults would like to see tighter enforcement of government rules on broadcast content. In Britain 78% of 18 to 24-year-olds also believe tougher restrictions are necessary to discourage adolescent sex. Who's best to tell us how media affects teens' behaviour than teens themselves!

In my opinion, media does influence our behaviour. If it didn't, marketers wouldn't be investing millions (billions?) of dollars every year into advertising. They know that if they portray their product or service as desirable and cool teens and adults will want it.

According to a study conducted by Kaiser Family Foundation (2005) teens spend about 44 hours a week on various forms of media (more time than they spend in school!). They are bound to absorb some of what they are exposed to.

Most people and parents know it has a negative effect, but are unable to pinpoint the specific consequences.

Here are 4 ways:

1. Sexuality: The sexual content has become more explicit in nature and is targeting younger and younger kids. Even the ratings of movies have become less strict. Media (music videos, movies, and sexualized advertising) is portraying sex as something that everyone does (even to the 10 year olds who are watching!). Confused but curious teens and preteens who engage in sexual behaviour are left feeling used, worthless, and emotionally detached as they are not psychologically ready for these experiences (not to mention the increased risk of pregnancy).

2. Violence: The violent content we see today has increased in frequency as well as in vividness. Young kids and teens are exposed to heroes who are ever more violent with cooler than ever tricks and moves (most of which are done by stuntmen or are computerized). After their aggressive performance they are victorious, praised and awarded. With regular exposure to violence, teens (especially boys) are more likely to practice the moves and incorporate them into daily life when interacting with peers. Because peers are exposed to the same content, they respond in kind and the behaviour is considered acceptable in the youth culture.

3. Substance abuse: There aren't many movies that do not include alcohol and drugs in at least one of the scenes, particularly when teens are partying. Alcohol and drugs are consistently paired with the idea that these substances help teens have more fun. More importantly, media portrays these scenes as reflection of reality leaving teens believing that everyone does it. As soon as teens feel singled out, they are more likely to conform to what they think is normal.

4. Unrealistic fitness and beauty stereotypes: The bodies we see today in media are hardly realistic human bodies. Photoshopped bodies aren't real! The standard of the 'ideal body' leaves many adults feeling inadequate, not to mention children and teens who are still using their appearance as clue to their identity. Unfortunately, media portrays these images as ideal and as something to be strived for, leaving teens to feel very dissatisfied with themselves when they fail to meet the standards. This unreachable goal leads to low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, dissatisfaction, and shame. These feelings and beliefs lead to unhealthy choices and behaviours.

Parents have the power to filter the content viewed and read about in the home. It takes times, patience, and communication with teens.

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana motivates teens and adults in their 20s to approach life with desire, confidence, and passion.

Ivana also works with the following cases:
*Low motivation
*Stress & time management
*Anger management
*Social skills
*And more...

Life coaching is the perfect gift for your teen or young adult. It provides your child with an early start at success!

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA
ivana@lifecoachintoronto.com
289.242.6219
http://www.lifecoachintoronto.com/

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Empowering Youth: Teaching Tweens About Money

Financial literacy isn't a one-shot deal; it's actually a lifelong process of learning. The best course of action begins when your child is two-three years old and builds as he or she grows and develops.

Allowance wise

Children age 9-12 years, also known as tweens, will learn a lot from getting an allowance. But be careful. When you were a kid, allowance was probably based on your age or grade level and given as a reward for doing your chores. Nowadays, that concept for giving allowance has become quite controversial. Many parents do not believe in giving allowance at all but this may be a good time to reconsider your reason and your method. There already exists some very creative ways to give allowance so you don't have to come up with ideas on your own.

Let them earn

Many experts do not believe in giving an allowance for chores but it is very encouraging when tweens have an opportunity to earn money for doing additional tasks around the house. Make sure these are not their regular chores. It could be a special chore from a neighbor or something that is not part of their daily routine. This will help your child understand the importance of "earning" and at the same time learn to appreciate the money you spend on their needs and wants.

Be open

Include your child in discussions about purchases that he or she will use or reap the benefit of, such as bedroom furniture, a television or a cell phone. You should be open with your child about money, especially when a purchase will require a trade off. For example, "If we buy the cell phone, we can't buy the TiVo."

Start saving

You can choose to buy a happy-looking piggy bank or you can take your child to a real bank but whichever you decide, now is the time for your child to start saving. It would be bonus if you can find a bank that provides activities and incentives to help your child learn financial basics. Showing your child how a savings account works and helping him or her set a short-term savings goal, for an item they really want, will teach them to enjoy making deposits.

Help them set goals

Do not set goals for your children, instead help them set targets for themselves. Once they have accomplished a short-term savings goal, it's time to explain long-term savings and help your child create a financial action plan. Teach your child to practice daily or weekly savings to hit his or her target. If your child misses the goal, talk about the challenges they faced and encourage them to try again. Don't let them get discouraged and you can't lose hope either. Believe that your child is capable and even if he or she doesn't seem to be listening, keep at it and one day you will have a disciplined saver.

And now I would like to invite you to claim your FREE Instant Access to a 10-day e-course entitled "Ten Actions YOU MUST Take For Your Child To Succeed" when you visit http://empoweringyouthforsuccess.com/

You'll also receive free VIP seating at our cutting edge monthly teleseminar.

From Linette Daniels- "The Youth Success Doctor"

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Basic Behavior Solutions for Kids and Teens

Do you feel like your child is the boss? Do you feel like you have to tell them time and time again to pick up their toys, and do their chores? This is a common occurrence in many homes but unfortunately this often leads to bad behavior and insecurity in children. When parents provide consistent boundaries for their children, children feel secure and confident. Transitioning from children being the boss to parents being the boss can be stressful but the benefits are worth it. You and your child will feel more comfortable in your home and have an increased self esteem.

How to get your children to listen:

Give your instruction

ex-put away your toys

Withhold reinforcements until task is completed. Withholding reinforcement is key to this being effective.

ex: no snacks, toys, TV or any fun thing until the child completes the desired action

If your child screams, hits, kicks or does any other undesirable behavior make sure you are not reinforcing it by allowing it to be effective. If your child yells and screams and then you give them what they want, they are likely to do that behavior again.

What to do when a child disobeys or breaks a rule:

When a child disobeys determine the severity of the action and assign chores accordingly

Ex: child lies- child has to scrub the kitchen floor and no reinforcements until task is complete

Ex: child skips school- child has to sweep drive way, organize the closet and clean the car and they may not socialize, eat snacks, have electronics, or anything fun until task is complete (no reinforcements)

Be prepared for children to challenge you on this if they are not used to you being this assertive. Do not be intimidated if your child acts out initially. This is common but with consistency the behavior will go away. It is important you follow through with this. It will not be effective if you are inconsistent. Remember it will be stressful at first but once your children understand this is the new normal and boundaries are clear, your home will be more at peace. With this method there is no need to ever raise your voice or argue. The rules are black and white.

At time behavior problems can get complicated and help is needed. Do not be afraid to seek out a professional if you are feeling overwhelmed with your child's behaviors.

Katie Saint, MAC is a Professional Counselor. Katie specializes in extreme behavior problems and sees clients ages 0-99. For more information please visit http://revitalizecounselingservices.blogspot.com/.

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